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Kangaroo Spotting

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Wednesday, May 25, 2016

PND, A Partner's Perspective


Sponsored by Bupa Australia.

 My husband, Matthew is a problem solver. He is a project manager and is responsible for millions of dollars’ worth of contracts, hundreds of employees and working-around potentially expensive mistakes.

When Matt couldn’t fix my postnatal depression he felt helpless, not a familiar feeling for a bloke like him. Not only was I difficult to live with at the time but I was so absorbed in my own struggle that I was unable to see just how much my pain was tearing him up inside.


Women who experience postnatal depression (PND) need a lot of support, that’s a given. But I think we need to acknowledge what the partners go through as well. Dads and partners also live with the illness and can even experience PND themselves.

I spent most of my time and energy trying to look like a normal, joyful mother while out in public but when my husband walked through the door at night I had nothing left for him. I couldn’t even pretend. He always had me at my absolute worst.

I snapped easily, my mood swings were unpredictable, and usually because Matt was the person in my firing line he copped all of it. And the resentment- oh the resentment!

In the early days I was jealous of his hour commute and lunch breaks (when he actually had time to take them) because at least he got to be alone or speak to adults.

One morning as he was leaving for work, I was feeding our daughter while crying my eyes out. He offered to make me a cup of tea and even though I would have liked one, I said, “No! Just go ahead and leave, just leave us!”

What a horrible thing for him to hear as he was preparing for a stressful day of work. Even writing about that morning makes my eyes misty. The poor guy was simply trying to show me how much he cared.

Dads want to enjoy it too
I’m well aware of my privilege. I have a supportive husband with a great job, I live in a beautiful house and we are comfortable. That’s the thing about PND though, unfortunately, it does not discriminate.

Something I heard at a postnatal depression talk will stick with me forever because I felt like the woman was speaking about me.

“Sometimes the mums who appear to have it all together are the ones who are struggling the most.”

And though this is true, standing next to that mum is a partner who is also struggling.

We are a closer family thanks to The Parent & Baby Wellbeing Program
How can we better support partners of PND sufferers?

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posted by Unknown @ 1:41 PM   2 Comments

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Going Public About Postnatal Depression

Sponsored by Bupa Australia

I have been writing about my experience with postnatal depression (PND) and anxiety since my daughter was five months old. Recently I was offered an opportunity to put my face to this illness in a very public way.

Sometimes when someone offers you an opportunity to ‘walk-the-walk’ it can be terrifying but without fear we cannot be brave.

My family and I appeared in a commercial for Bupa’s Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program which debuted nationally in Australia over a week ago. We are not aspiring actors, just real people sharing our story to help other families who may be going through something similar.


I’ve always tried to speak about my experience with PND openly with my friends and blog-readers but when Bupa contacted me to see if I would like to share my story on national TV I was nervous….but in a good way. Whenever I decide to push beyond the boundaries of my comfort-zone, it usually leads to unexpected growth. 

My gut told me told me to do the ad. I have been a Bupa customer since 2011 and I believed in the story they wanted to tell. I participated-in and loved the program they were promoting. The whole thing aligned with my core values. Best case scenario, more women would know about the program and it could help de-stigmatise post natal depression.

By saying yes to the ad, I could potentially reach more people than my blog or mouth ever could.


There are those who don’t believe in sharing such a personal journey and that’s okay too. I tried to picture what that criticism might look like. When I first started sharing stories on the blog I had family members question why I didn’t just write in a journal. They were trying to protect me but I was already hurting.

Back then, just like now, I wanted to go public. To connect to others. To hold myself accountable. To help change the world in my own, small way. 

I am confident in where I am and how I got there.


And you know what? Being open about my journey has led to richer, more grounded relationships, deeper friendships and I have become much more confident in myself. Finally, I am not worried what others think of me..

I have learned that post natal depression is so much more common than I ever imagined. Maybe women, like myself, didn’t know where to go to seek help. Even as a Bupa customer, I was unaware I had access to The Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program until I desperately needed it. 

So can I please ask you a favour?

Help me spread the word. Share this post with a pregnant friend, a mother, or a family that might need help or support. 

Let’s all be accountable for those villages that all parents and children need.

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posted by Unknown @ 10:09 AM   2 Comments

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Internet is not what's Stressing New Mothers

Sponsored Post

So apparently this whole idea that modern mothers are more anxious because they have access to too much information, is not exactly true. 

I bought into that same myth myself and even rant about it in my mission statement. I have no idea why I adopted such a belief other than maybe it was easier to have something to blame for how I felt.

A survey of 4,000 Australian women, by Medela AU, showed that after seeking advice from a family Doctor or midwife, the next place mothers looked was the internet.
click to view infographic
Most women saw having access to expert information 24/7 as a huge benefit.  They also found value in connecting with like-minded people. Of the women surveyed only ten percent felt overwhelmed by the amount of information available online. So there you have it. The interwebs are as convenient a place for parenting advice as they are for grocery shopping. #whatagift

Seriously. What did breastfeeding mothers do before smartphones? I remember Googling every. single. thing. It's a solitary job, being a milk maid.

So if the web isn't stressing us out...it must be something else.

One sobering statistic the Medela AU survey revealed is 48% of women experience some form of depression/ baby blues/ low mood after childbirth. That is basically HALF of all mothers!!!

Let that sink in for a moment.

48% Half.

I mean, even as a fellow PND sufferer I had no idea the numbers were that high.

Why is this disturbing?
  1. It tells me not nearly enough people are comfortable talking about their experience with PND 
  2. Therefore I highly doubt those women are getting the help and support they need
Maybe there is a stigma with the word ‘depression’ but my guess would be that there is more of a stigma surrounding the "M" word. Perhaps we feel that if we admit we are struggling with motherhood then we are failing at it. 

Which is simply not true.

Opening up about my own experience with PND was terrifying. I literally felt sick when I published my first blog post about the subject. When I was flooded with emails, messages, and kind words from women who had all been through (or who were currently going through) the same experience, I no longer felt alone.

The main lesson I learned is that those metaphorical villages, you know, the ones it takes to raise a child? Well, they look different today.

More and more families are relocating for work, study or even an International romance (guilty). I live half the world away from the people I grew up with.

By opening up about my struggles, I didn’t know it then, but I was inviting people into my own, albeit virtual, village. 

So what can help? According to the Medela survey three main things can help mothers who are suffering.
  1. Speaking to a friend/ partner or family member
  2. Reading about people’s similar experiences online
  3. Consulting a Doctor or Midwife
So just like my advice in the video- we need to create our own villages. These could be online communities, forums, blogs, new friends. Medela AU have created a personalised app with all of these elements and more at your fingertips...Available even in the dim glow of a 3am feed.

To learn more about the Medela app clik here. I will plan to have it for the next bub because it’s a combination of several different apps I used when I had my daughter.  

Note: Can I just say, participating in this campaign has been a privilege. I’m proud to work with a company like Medela AU who are clearly sensitive to a mothers needs. I hope this study encourages women to speak out, because they will find that they are definitely not alone.

If you or someone you love is suffering from depression please contact your local crisis hotline or beyond blue in Australia.

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posted by Unknown @ 8:43 PM   4 Comments

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Stop Telling Me To Have Another Kid!

My daughter was only a few weeks old the first time someone casually asked me when I was going to have another baby. (???!!!) As the years roll on the question comes faster and more furiously.

Look, I get it, sometimes people are just making conversation however when they persist things can get awkward. I've gotten into near arguments with people trying to change my mind about having another one rightthisminute.

Luckily for me I should be physically able to bear a second baby but wouldn't I feel terrible if I couldn't? Why should I have to rehash that every time a well-meaning (opinionated) stranger asks about my family plans?

Here are the most common reasons people give for having two kids in a row (always from people with two or more kids in a row) and why I disagree.  Feel free to use these arguments next time you get bombarded.
1. Age Gap

I’d like to have words with the so-called expert who decided there is an ideal age gap between siblings. My brother and I are four years apart and we survived just fine. In fact, I remember HELPING my Mom with him when he was a baby. Once I saved his life when the phone rang and he tumbled into my bath while our Mom went to answer it. 

Truth be told, my bro and I weren’t besties growing up but I that had way more to do with personality differences. If we were one year, two years, or five years apart it would have been the same deal. Now I love that dude to pieces and I’m grateful for him. We even have matching tats because we rule.

I hope my daughter knows that sibling bond someday…just not today.
2. Get the hard years over with at once

Come on! Having two babies close in age means double the hard stuff. You can’t fool me.

Look, this comes down to personal preference. I like to space out life’s tough stuff (within my control) with some fluff in between. Some brave folks prefer to put heads down, kiss fun goodbye for a few years, then look up and see if they made it to the other side. May the force be with you.

If it were me- I would never leave the house. The thought of loading baby/diaper-bag/stroller x 2 would be too draining (good thing I don't have twins or triplets!)

"I’ll take tantrums over breastfeeding, a single stroller over a double, grilled cheese sandwiches over veggie purees, potty-training over vomit, and babycinos over bottles. That’s just me. You won’t change my mind."


These days my two-year-old pals around with me like a little legend. She sits still long enough for a coffee date and I can bribe her with frozen yoghurt while I shop the Kmart home goods section. She even digs sitting in shopping carts while I do the dreaded grocery shopping. Oh and did I mention she’s been sleeping 12 hours a night since age 7 months? Yeah I’m bragging. You would too.
3. If you wait too long you won’t want to go back for another

Whats wrong with an only?

 Maybe I just lost the desire to do it again. Are you concerned I’ll have regrets? That’s so thoughtful! 

 The prospect of ‘going back to the newborn days’ at any time sounds daunting (and terrifying) but if people tell you that they didn’t have another baby simply because they ‘waited to long’ I'd be suspicious. I know couples who have gone to the ends of the Earth to have a child. If someone REALLY and TRULY wanted another baby they would do it. Even if it meant their comfy routine would be punctuated with newborn demands.
4. The Mother’s Age

Your eggs are wilting! 

Lot’s of Mothers are waiting until their 30’s to have babies because our Mamma’s taught us ‘career first!’ Admittedly there is a bit of biological pressure to crank the kids out close together in this case. I’ve read the stats and they are scary. Yes, our lifetime supply of eggs dwindle and chances of birth defects rise with each passing year.

No denying that it’s statistically it’s easier to get pregnant the younger you are and it’s undeniable you’ll have more energy the earlier you do (but maybe if you’re older you can afford more help). 
So with this one I kind of see your point but to each their own (which is my point about this whole business really).

Just so you know- I’m willing to risk it. And I’m talking about waiting like ONE more year, not seven, so calm yourselves people (there…you’ve gotten it out of me, I’ve revealed my plan).

Defence rests.
What about the risk of Post Natal Depression (PND) a second time?

There is no denying that I had it tough emotionally after the birth of my daughter and it took me a long time to feel normal again.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried about battling with post natal depression again but it’s not the only reason I’m putting Rieniets 2.0 on hold.

Call me selfish but in many ways I feel that when my daughter was born so was I. When you only have a tiny fraction of time to yourself as a parent- you try your damnedest to make that time count (once you have the energy to do so).

All I wanted to do was set a good example for my baby girl and in doing so I’ve started following my dreams. I would like one more year to work on those things before I have to scale it all back (which I will happily do for my family). Someday I hope ‘both’ kids will thank me because they will have a contented and fulfilled Momma.

Besides, I’m just not that into two kids in diapers at the same time.

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posted by Unknown @ 12:10 PM   2 Comments

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Not Everyone's Cup Of Tea

Quote by Carrie Bradshaw (but let's forgive that).
My day started off with some serious messaging with a close friend of mine. She is quite passionate, outspoken and opinionated especially when it comes to women's issues (no wonder we get along). The problem for her and I is that sometimes our loved ones can try to quiet us down 'for our own good.'

Social media is a place where we can blurt thoughts as quickly as we can speak them but unlike in a one-on-one conversation you don’t have to worry about that ‘fly on the wall’ who overheard everything. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for people like us, the internet is a stadium full of flies with photographic memories, excellent record keeping and their own internal biases. Soapboxes swarmed, we find ourselves defending our opinions to the death.

It's completely understandable that people who care about us may not want to see us dealing with a backlash of comments, replies, frustration and de-friending. Some people are intensely private- I get it because I used to be one of those people- and it freaks them out to imagine swatting at all those opinionated little flies. We look like people on fire but if we didn’t use our voices we would burn up on the inside….And that feels much worse.

When I shared my experience with Post Natal Depression it's no secret that even my own Mother was uncomfortable. She didn't understand why I couldn't just write in a journal. No doubt it was her first instinct to shield and protect me but because of my own vulnerabilities and insecurities it made me feel like she thought I was doing something wrong. I know she was just being a Mom.

When I pushed publish on that first post I felt sick. It was completely out of my comfort zone, sharing my weaknesses with perfect strangers. But you know what? In exposing the worst of me, I was able to air it all out, heal old wounds and become stronger than I had ever imagined. Real strength, not just a projection of strength that would short circuit whenever I was alone.

Removing my filter of 'perfection' I was able to make more genuine connections with friends both old and new and I've been able to be more honest in my day-to-day life, something I've long admired in bold and outspoken people.

I used to care too much about what everyone thought of me. Don't get me wrong, I still care tremendously but if you're not on board I'm okay with that too.

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posted by Unknown @ 5:59 PM   0 Comments

Friday, September 25, 2015

Just Stay Happy…Damn It!


After my last therapy session I decided to take a break because I didn't feel like I getting much out of it anymore.

I felt like my therapist was basically trying to convince me: 'it's not that bad,' and to focus on the positive- which is fair enough. I do have a pretty amazing life yet sometimes the negativity takes over. Do I feel like I have first world problems- yes I do, which totally sucks.

But comparing myself to those who are worse-off only makes me feel guilty. When depression sneaks up it does not mean gratitude goes out the window, it just means I need to have a little pity party for one. Even if every single one of my wildest dreams comes true, even if I have one eye over my shoulder constantly-once in a while the gloom will catch up. That's just how depression rolls. #annoying

Sometimes it's easier than others to deal with the rough patches. Like this week- I felt really shitty on Monday and Tuesday but today, Friday, my spirits are back up.


I’m starting to (finally) accept that my system is more sensitive than I would like it to be. I’m missing a thyroid- oh yeah that. It was removed when I was a teenager so sometimes I forget I'm not like everyone else. What does this mean for me?  I need way more sleep than the average person, booze is not my friend and I need to maintain a stable blood sugar level. These things are difficult enough to maintain when you have a kid let alone if you have 'the wanderlust.' Let me explain.

There is this part of me that is never satisfied- I have an unhealthy addiction to life. I need things to be so fun/ incredible/ memorable/ emotional!!!! All the time. I don't like to sit still unless I am relaxing within the specific parameters which allow me to completely relax (dishes need to be done for one). I'm high maintenance when it comes to fun.

I drank lots of wine last Saturday night with my husband. We were having a date night in (I can't just have a Saturday night feel like every other night). And I paid for it. For days.

I know hangovers get worse as you get older but this was different. I knew it was affecting my mood negatively. The timing sucked because Tuesday was Lavinia’s second birthday. It also happened to be one of those days where nothing went to plan so by the time she went to bed I was crabby, exhausted and felt like I ruined her day.

Looking for any excuse for my feelings other than self-inflicted neglect, I checked my period diary app. When in doubt, blame hormones. Nope- still one week away from the red light. Then I remembered the last few months, the same thing happened. Exactly seven days out from Aunt Flo I had a serious dip in my mood and energy.

Funnily enough I could her my therapist saying to me, “Now what can you do to prevent this from happening again?” And I started work-shopping what I could do to take better care of my health around that time each month.

Hmmmm. Maybe I was projecting my frustration onto my therapist when I felt like she wasn’t giving me enough sympathy. Maybe it’s not sympathy I need but strategy. Dang it! The expert wins again!

I think it’s about time to dedicate another week to my mental and physical health like I did five months ago: Here's a recap. Back then I promised myself I would take one week each season (or quarter) and do one thing each day to improve my general health and wellbeing. Join me!!  Just use the hashtag #mindbodyweek and let’s get our shit together- together!



Last time I started on Monday and by Saturday I was up early, brimming with energy and feeling well. I want to capture that feeling again.

 Monday morning- I'm hitting the gym and I might just make a therapy appointment. Wish me luck.


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posted by Unknown @ 3:45 PM   4 Comments

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

What's Your Mom Style?

Slipped and fell right back into my Mom uniform.

Lavinia and I have been back from the USA for exactly one week. I’m both happy and bummed to report that we are already back in our routine.

Today was her first day back at childcare so I took a yoga class and now sit here writing (at my glorious new Macbook Pro.)

 Returning home from America gave me a little extra pep, confidence and a few new items for my wardrobe (what better reason to get out and about than a new outfit?) I wanted to make it a point to explore the city of Melbourne more. Two days in- and we did just that! Straight into town to meet a friend for coffee.

Alas, the weather turned drab so my motivation plummeted. We did have two appointments this week which forced us out of hibernation and into jeans... I tried staying dressed until my husband got home from work buuuuuut fail. 

 Somehow I'm in my Mommy uniform again (uuuuggggghhh) and I need to fix the situation.

I love the idea of getting dressed everyday (in something other than sweats) because it makes me feel better about myself. Also it means I’m more likely to go and do something last minute. Are we out of garlic? I can confidently run to the supermarket. Does my sister-in-law want to meet for coffee? I will be prepared to enter society.

When I was suffering from post natal depression both my daughter and I lived in our jammies. It’s funny looking back at her ‘monthly progress’ photos she was often in PJ's. It’s the sad type of evidence which shows that I was struggling. 
Mommy- let's put some clothes on and get amongst it.

I'm no longer struggling but I've sure gotten lazy with my fashion- which sounds superficial but it's not. I believe the way we dress not only expresses how we feel about ourselves but also how we want the world to perceive us. And those two things are important.

In the early post natal months I was limited with clothing because of nursing, then in the months following I was working to shed baby-weight. Recently I realised that my old wardrobe does not necessarily represent me anymore. I don’t have to worry about looking 'corporate' or 'adult' I don't have much of a nightlife...I just want to look like me- so I am trying to figure that out how to do that.

When I was in Buffalo I finished my half-sleeve. It’s something I’ve wanted to do but haven’t had the guts to for many years. I finally feel confident enough in myself as an artistic person to present myself as such. When I was in Nashville, a cab driver asked my friend and I if we were musicians- I took that as a HUGE compliment.
Rock'n'Roll Mama (oooouuuuuch!)

So what the hell am I still doing in my sweatpants? I don’t know, but I’m going to change that before it’s time to pick up Lavinia.

Even though my family is on a tight budget due to a home renovation (which just started this week!) I decided to really think about purchasing one or two things that make me feel good, comfortable and are durable enough for my Mommy lifestyle. So far my boyfriend jeans have been a great investment. My beloved 1990’s are back in fashion so I snatched a couple flannies and a cute pair of converse. Maybe I'm dressing a little young for a 34-year-old Mother but you know what? I feel a helluva lot better than I did in my sweats and hoodie.

So there you are. Fun/ cool Mom reporting for duty. It took all of ten minutes. (Don't mind my messy spare-room bed in the background, priorities people.)
A little effort goes a long way.

The tools:
A bit of makeup (concealer, bronzer, eyeshadow, mascara and lipgloss)
Boyfriend jeans
Converse
Black and white flannel
Blue wool v-neck sweater
Gold hoop earrings

What’s your Mom Style? What’s the one thing you could wear everyday to feel good about yourself?

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posted by Unknown @ 3:24 PM   8 Comments

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Moving Forward and Travelling Far

As I prepare to fly to my hometown for the first time in over a year, I'm reminded of how far I've come in my battle with post natal depression and anxiety.

This time a year ago I vowed to be more honest with myself and to everyone around me. A vital and important step. No point in keeping up appearances or pretending to be strong.

Don't Label Yourself 

In my second therapy session I asked my psych for a diagnosis. She told me that it is unclear so early on and asked why it mattered. Looking back, I didn't need to know in order to heal. Screw labels. I did not ask her again because I stopped worrying about it.

Based on my experience, if you're unsure whether you're suffering from PND, anxiety or otherwise, just talk to someone anyway. Paying a third party to listen to your troubles is invaluable no matter what you call it. You don't need to come out as 'depressed,' let's leave that to legends like the courageous Caitlyn Jenner. We Mother's can be everyday hero's simply by talking about post natal issues- that way everyone would feel a lot less stigmatized.

So what did I learn?

I learned to trust myself. To venture out into the world again. That sometimes people say things tinged with judgement but it could just be my own interpretation.

I learned to wrangle unhelpful thoughts before they completely derail, taking my mood with them. I can focus on the bigger picture and understand how to achieve goals, even if it's one as small as getting through the day.

I learned to become confident in myself as a mother- even though I have no real idea what I'm doing. My cheerful daughter is proof that I am managing to fumble through with enough love and respect to feel positive about the whole experience.

I learned to let go of past hurts, for real, and am working on the second most important mother-daughter relationship in my life- the one I have with my own.
In many ways my last trip to Buffalo was a disaster. It started before we even got off the ground- nerves about the flight, driving myself crazy about what to pack, how to carry everything, if it would negatively affect my baby. I didn't write about it much because I was in survival mode. And you'll never guess what happened...we survived.

This time I'm not even nervous about the journey. I know to expect a level of (toddler sized) difficulty, and if it exceeds those expectations for better or worse we will deal. There is no point worrying about the things we cannot control- yes, I just said that (the control freak that I am.)
My family has experienced loss and heartache since the last time I was on US soil. This trip is bigger than a visit, more than a hello. In many ways it's about saying goodbye, getting the closure, support, and familiarity that only roots can provide. I live everyday without the whole other half of my life around me. I need to go be whole again for a while.

I'm coming for you Buffalo, with my arms and heart wide open.
{If you or someone you know suffers from post natal anxiety or depression please seek help. I can speak for the resources here in Australia and they are outstanding. I can only hope there is something comparable in the USA however its probably locally based and you'll have to do some searching. Let's not forget that Father's can suffer from it as well.}

In Australia
Bupa Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program (This is the program I participated in)
Beyond Blue




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posted by Unknown @ 2:42 PM   4 Comments

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Take Charge of Your Health: Tuesday #mindbodyweek

Commence Head Shrinking

Today in therapy I learned that depression can seep in and out of our lives like a toxin and before you know it the ground is poisoned.

The past few weeks when I felt lethargic and drained I was uninterested in doing the things I usually enjoy, which indicates depression had contaminated my life once again.

This is just one of the many manifestations of depression that I must keep quarantined. Apparently it’s not always the doom and gloom feelings- sometimes it simply the lack of any feelings at all.

My counselling session was well timed. Yesterday I dusted the cobwebs off my body and today it was time to purge the mind. Confession: I did not meditate last night but if I did, it would have been a wonderful transition between the two. Still room for improvement there.

Last week I remember talking to Matt about not working out.  He said “The hardest part is getting there,” which made me laugh.

“Babe, it’s me you’re talking to me, not a Biggest Loser contestant” I told him. “I love the gym, I just don’t want to go, and I don't understand why.”

More Work to Be Done

This complete lack of desire: Where did it come from?

I think many things led to me feeling emotionally paralyzed. Holidays are always tough being an expat but this Easter was especially difficult after just losing my grandmother- being away kind of dulls a normal reaction to such a loss. I wasn't paying particularly keen attention to my health and I think rather than hitting quickly, the toxicity collected around me like a fog.

The plan: I need to start paying more attention to how little events in my life build up. For my homework over the next two weeks I have to fill in this chart about situations, my feelings behind them and think more deeply about the lead up. This is supposed to help me dig deeper, understand my reactions and balance out unhelpful thoughts.

My therapist suggested writing in the chart daily and not just negative things, I should be writing daily anyway. Not just for blog posts or social media, but for myself. Give my mind a drain to get rid of the garbage. So now I have to do mind exercise. Working out my insides and outsides all at once sounds exhausting but I'm going to give it a try.

Have you done something healthy for yourself today?


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posted by Unknown @ 2:25 PM   4 Comments

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Preventative Maintenance


Our Easter staycation was something I had been looking forward to since my Grandmother passed.  Peace, quiet and chocolate. But something felt off with me. I was flat and zombielike rather than excited.

Friday was an early wake up call- Lavinia was up at 5:20 (I finally figured out she was waking early because of being cold- can I get a hallelujah for thinking of adding an extra nightly layer!) So I had a sluggish start to my half-day volunteering at the Good Friday Appeal which raises money for the Royal Women and Children's hospital of Melbourne. My good friend works for the appeal and it always amazes me how dedicated she is. Every year in the lead up to Easter I don’t see or hear from her because she’s eating, breathing and working. The appeal raised over 17 million in one day which is astounding (especially considering the hospital only services one State.)



Saturday Matt and I took Lavinia to the Queen Victoria Market. It was a perfect, bright, sunny Autumn morning but for some reason I was in a crankpot mood. I drove us there and forgot my wallet- no cash, no parking. I was losing patience and itching to take some photos with my new beast of a camera- the Cannon 70D (I'm in love with it but barely know how to use the thing.) It was never going to be a simple endeavour as we also had to shop for our Easter lunch and keep track of our 18 month old. Of course it didn’t help that I was hangry and decaffeinated by the time we hit the ATM. Recipe for disaster.

It took forever to get this one shot without strangers in it..an Easter miracle
My reaction to the frustrations of parking and the logistics of getting breakfast were a bit extreme...and familiar. Coincidentally I have just begun therapy again. Now that my depression and anxiety are under control it’s time to dig a little deeper and work on some of my ‘core messaging.’ I am hopeful that it will help me with the confidence I lack as I'm trying to carve out a path as artist and writer. I need to erase the old tape playing that says those things aren't worthwhile. Not that my career aspirations had anything to do with my mood on Saturday, but I think anger is my go-to reaction to frustration lately. 

The big M, made of key-chains
In the end I'm really glad we went. It was stimulating for Lavinia, I got a few snaps and we bought some delicious treats for our first holiday meal as a family of three.  

And speaking of food- I've been working like mad on a recipe index page. I wanted to talk about my own personal food philosophy (I could go on and on for days because I'm so passionate about nutrition) in a shorter, more digestible format (can't help it, love a pun) where I can link to the recipes I post on here. I feel incredibly lucky to have a partner who supports me emotionally and financially as I play around with my beloved blog.


It is because I love and respect this man so much that Tuesday was a difficult day for us. Matt had to get three (benign) cancerous BCC's removed from his forehead. And it's not the first time. He had one cut out less than a year ago and how has had about 14 total stitches on his poor head (not to mention the big one cut out of his back when I was pregnant.) I don't care how many times Australians tell me that BCC's are the 'good' type of skin cancer. I hear the ‘C’ word and it echoes in my bones. I worry about Matt and his pale, sun-soaked, skin and I worry about my daughter who has inherited his complexion. He was physically capable of doing most things after the minor surgery but I wanted him to rest, relax and heal. The best way I know how to do that is with TV and food. So that's what we did on Tuesday.

Daddy, Daughter, Doughnut
Wednesday was day care day. Lavinia seems to have finally gotten over the worst of her separation anxiety.  High five! While I got started on another online blogging course BWP 2.0. It's an intensive follow up to the previous one (that’s how much I enjoyed it.) I love that the lessons arrive in my inbox first thing Wednesday mornings. I'm now planning my 'me time' around those lessons. I even squeezed in a little yoga DVD first to loosen up and get the creative juices flowing. I've really let exercise fall to the wayside lately, which is unlike me, and I think it’s added to my current lethargy.

Happiest point of the day...stopping for coffee
The days are getting shorter and colder but at least the sun shines almost every day- something I will never take for granted being born and raised in Buffalo where we would go weeks without seeing a break in the clouds. Maybe that’s just what I need to snap out of this funk- a figurative little break in the clouds...while wearing an SPF of course.

Somebody was mirroring Mommy's expression


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posted by Unknown @ 3:05 PM   0 Comments

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Join Me on Facebook So We Can Be Awesome Together

photo Joinusbuttontake2_zps530b2207.jpg
I was in serious need of some Namaste today. A van cut me off on my way to yoga and my immediate reaction was to swear and flip the guy off. Twice.

This week has been difficult. A loved one is trying to deny the existence of my depression prior to the post-natal.  It’s a sickening feeling when you feel you need to prove such a thing to someone.  Clearly the reason my middle finger was on a hair trigger.

I was hoping to find some peace of mind in yoga class.  I ‘know’ that I don’t need to prove myself my feelings to anyone, but I wanted to believe it and meditate on it.

And then something incredible happened. I was given a gift. An inspiration. An idea.

My Kangaroo Spotting Facebook Page:  It was just sitting there, doing not much, when I realized that it could be the start of my (our) very own community.

We all need support in our lives at times.  Especially when we become mothers (or Fathers.) Sometimes you just need an encouraging word, or advice from someone. I mean, you could try and figure it out- but Googling your butt off can’t take the place of chatting to someone who cares.

I have many Mom/ Mum friends in various places around the world (and other sympathetic non-mother friends too) and I've recently met some creative and compassionate bloggers online. I feel privileged to know so many amazing, smart, funny and beautiful people.  I wish we could get together in a room and have a serious love fest....clearly the logistics don’t make sense when we are busy living on different continents and all soooooooooooooo.....

I thought the Kangaroo Spotting Facebook page could be our virtual hang out.  A place where the rad women I know (and other like-mindeds) can ask for a hand, for a advice or just for understanding.

I belong to a few Mommy/ Mum’s groups online and they tend to become troll-y, trashy and bitchy. Let’s have our own space my gorgeous goddesses (and gods)!  And let’s see how it works out.

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posted by Unknown @ 10:46 AM   2 Comments

Monday, February 9, 2015

An Open Letter to Rachael Abel of Love Yourself Green



Note: This post began as a comment on a blog I follow. Things got a little our of hand and I've made it about me. Sorry, sorry. 

But in all seriousness, Rachael from loveyourselfgreen.com has written a piece about how she cured her anxiety and depression as a result of trying to overcome a serious illness.  Read it- I bet you’ll learn something new about depression and people who have it.

Dear Rachael,

I loved your post about how you cured your anxiety and depression without trying. Don’t sell yourself short- you were trying, you were trying your ass off to get healthy. In order to have a healthy mind, so must be your body. I know a bit about mental heath from experience.

You touched on a point which is incredibly relevant and lesser known about depression- depressed people can appear to be happy!  I read this astounding fact recently and wrote about it here. Believe it- depressed people are often the most social, outgoing people you will meet at times (especially when they are taking drugs or alcohol to numb the pain.) What outsiders don’t witness are the days when we can't get out of bed to fake it till we make it.

I relate to you on several levels.  Looking back at my childhood- I appeared to be a happy-go-lucky kid and I think I was for a time...until the teenage years. My parents fought a lot. A LOT. It scared me so I clung to my friends. I didn't want to be at home. 

As a young teen things got out of control. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I got bullied in school for liking a popular, older boy, my mother and I fought like cats and dogs occasionally violently.  I thought about suicide.  If you met me, especially at a party, you would never know this.  I had friends diagnosed with depression, on medication, who told me I would never understand (because clearly I coped with it very differently). I felt like an outsider. I loved when you mentioned in your blog post:

“I legitimately thought I was happy! Everyone around me saw me as a happy and positive person and according to what my inner denial tells me, (apparently) whatever other people think of you is actually the truth!” -Rachael Abel

In my 20’s I dealt with it by drinking and taking pain killers. Otherwise life was productive.  I graduated college, went to grad school, held down two jobs, rented an apartment and bought a car. I had tons of friends and went out almost every night (red flag).

I escaped to Europe for a job and came back home again for a guy. The relationship ended because I threatened suicide and he didn't want to deal with it (turns out I could not hide my depression from absolutely everyone). So then I went on antidepressants myself.

The drugs made me feel like a zombie and it sucked. I drank a lot of cheap wine, watched a lot of bad TV and could barely stay awake long enough to work. I ended up quitting job as a matchmaker because I couldn't emotionally connect any longer.

I knew something needed to change.

I did what any sensible (cowardly) person would and changed my environment by moving to Australia. I had a lot of conversations with the ocean, wrote a bit and listened to a lot of Oprah.

Somehow I landed in a stable relationship that I didn't screw up, started hanging out with people who didn't binge drink and took a long, look at myself so I could start to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life. Still I couldn't seem to figure it out. So...

I got engaged. I got married and I got pregnant. I was surprisingly happy (distracted) and had a reason to care for my body like never before. My hormones were stable and I felt strong. After my daughter was born- depression came crashing back into my life and brought its friend anxiety along. 

With support from my husband and friends I started the hard work of getting better, for real this time. Numbing was no longer an option. Now I laugh about the time I broke down and how my usual bottle of wine had been replaced by a bubble bath. I can no longer self-sabotage because I’m responsible for a small human and the family I've created.

I dug in again and did the work. Therapy. Assignments. Exercise. Eating healthily. Determined to lose the baby weight and gain more self-esteem.  I ordered local organic produce and cooked nutrient-dense meals.  I saw my homeopath.  I cut back on booze. I wrote about it all. None of these things are a quick fix, and not one single thing will do the job on it’s own. I had to find the right combination in order to heal myself from the inside out.

Somehow now, 16 months into my parenting journey- I’ve never felt happier. Honestly. I now have appropriate reactions to anxious situations and normal situations. This shows me how much progress I have made.

When you feel okay it's easy to let one area slip. If you do- get right back on-top of it. Something seemingly insignificant can be such a big deal. Thank you Ms Abel, for making that connection between mind, body and gut. Check out loveyourselfgreen.com for more healthy inspiration.

Rachael you are brave- you have a fan in me. 
X

Dawn

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posted by Unknown @ 10:19 AM   11 Comments

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Today is our Third Wedding Anniversary


Not much changed in my eyes when we got married except that we were ‘officially family’ and I loved that idea. Family is everything to me- whether I share blood with them or not. Now Matt and I shared a last name.

I decided to change my name to symbolize my changing self. I was living a new life, in a new land. I knew the answer to one of the two most important questions in life. ‘Where are you going?’ and ‘Who do you want to take with you?’

Marriage is serious and I only want to do it once. My parents married young, divorced late and I understood all too well how difficult it can be for everyone involved when it ends.

I loved and adored Matt- I had never met anyone like him. He was so honest, strong, and baggage-free. He treated me with a respect and dignity I had never felt.

On our first wedding anniversary I was a few weeks pregnant so I couldn’t drink the fancy champagne like I planned.

During my pregnancy I never felt closer to my husband. He cared for me and our unborn baby in every way imaginable. From calming my fears to the late night Chicken Nugget runs to renovating a home for us.

I didn’t understand what people were talking about when they said marriage was ‘work.’ Sure we had been through some hard times but by this point we fought well, laughed lots and agreed on most things from paint colors to baby names.

I was not prepared for the way a baby would change our relationship. It’s something most people don’t speak about. Let me tell you right now- if you think a baby will ‘fix’ any relationship problems you have, you may as well pack your bags now.

Matt is a doting father and a devoted partner. He’s even-tempered and energetic. But there were times in the early newborn days when I wanted to rip his handsome face off. Hormones, anxiety, and sleep-deprivation had twisted me up. There were days he would leave for work while I cried in a heap. He would offer to make me a cup of tea and even though I wanted one I would refuse. ‘Just go!’ I would sob feeling sorry for myself. Then the guilt of treating him poorly piled so high onto the mom-guilt, self-judgement, depression and isolation I could no longer see the top for the clouds.

Raising our baby together was the biggest test of our relationship to date. I never would have survived without his strength and support. And now, like our daughter, our marriage has become a toddler. We (hopefully) have a long way to go before our relationship feels like a warm blanket (and that will be lovely someday) but I actually think our fire is growing brighter today than it did at the start.

We made it through the clueless, messy newborn phase and now we are off and walking. We are exploring the world with four legs, four hands and two heads. It’s downright brand-new again, like seeing the world through a child’s eyes.

So here’s to year three. A seemingly insignificant, innocently fun number on the chart to a fully grown-up marriage.

I love you MAR.

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posted by Unknown @ 12:19 PM   4 Comments

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

There You Are

Friday I am going to Hobart with my dear friend. Without our kids.
We booked flights months ago during a Jetstar promotion. Since then I don’t think either of us thought much about it. Suddenly two weeks out- we had not even booked a hotel. (Back in the day I could show up in a foreign country without booking a hotel but not today- today my life is planned down to the minute.)

I felt relieved when she messaged me saying she was a bit nervous about the trip.  Secretly I was too.  Not only will it be the longest I’ve been away from Lavinia but I’m so used to being bogged down by housework, kid-work, multi-tasking, and scheduled me-time that the concept of two days structure-free is overwhelming.

I ddidn'tknow exactly what either of us wanted the weekend to look like.  In the past party-Dawn would be in full effect: Friday night booze shesh and debauchery, followed by morning bloody-Marys, some shopping, a disco-nap, round two and a horrid Sunday hangover.  These days I would be just as happy in a hotel robe sleeping and watching movies...well almost.  I’m not dead yet.  It’s safe to assume our range of activities are going to fall someplace in between those two scenarios. 
Hobart January 2013
My friend and I have big responsibilities now.  We are wife and mother in addition to being daughter, sister, friend and colleague.

This past year we have both worked to transform ourselves, hers mainly physically and mine mainly emotionally, though we've each experienced a bit of both. She coaxed me out of the house when I was struggling with post-natal anxiety and depression.  I listened when she told me about bold health-related decisions she was making.  I am just now realizing just how much our journeys paralleled one another.  The essence:  Internal struggle to pin down an adult identity without piercing our childhood dreams in the process.

At this moment, in a brand new year, it’s rewarding to see goals achieved and look forward to the road ahead- what a wonderful opportunity to celebrate that together this weekend.
Hobart January 2013
She sent me a message today about our trip that said “we are going to be the undiluted essence of ourselves. I propose a toast to the essence of our souls my friend!” which inspired this post.

It’s the perfect plan. Pencil me in.


*The only other time I went to Hobart Lavinia was with me.  I was about 8 weeks pregnant.

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posted by Unknown @ 1:35 PM   2 Comments

Friday, January 9, 2015

An Intimate Post About What Depression Really Looks Like

This is a beautiful blog post about what depression looks like:

https://gooleygoodtimes.wordpress.com

It starts off with a response to a highly informative article in The Guardian about how depressed people are not necessarily sad all the time.  They can enjoy moments in life without hunching around in a black cloak of darkness.  People can still experience happiness while muddling through this confusing mental illness.

The Blogger, Sarah, tells the story of being out with her toddler and people constantly commenting on her parenting- which really makes me angry.  I understand that people can be well-meaning but just because you are out in the world with a child is not a written invitation for strangers to comment on your life. New Mothers put enough pressure on themselves without society's misguided 'help.'

Pregnant women and new mothers seem to be fair game when out in public.  How many women have had strangers touch their round bellies? Luckily it never happened to me but I've heard plenty of stories.  I did have a shop owner ask me if I was 'sure there is only one baby in there?" when I was out shopping on my due date. Would it be socially acceptable for a stranger to go up to a woman with her boyfriend and ask why she is not wearing an engagement ring? No.  So don’t ask me why my daughter is only wearing one shoe.  It’s none of your business.

Thank you for Sharing Sarah. X



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posted by Unknown @ 2:26 PM   0 Comments