Kangaroo Spotting

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

PND, A Partner's Perspective

Sponsored by Bupa Australia.

My husband, Matthew is a problem solver. He is a project manager and is responsible for millions of dollars’ worth of contracts, hundreds of employees and working-around potentially expensive mistakes.

When Matt couldn’t fix my postnatal depression he felt helpless, not a familiar feeling for a bloke like him. Not only was I difficult to live with at the time but I was so absorbed in my own struggle that I was unable to see just how much my pain was tearing him up inside.

Women who experience postnatal depression (PND) need a lot of support, that’s a given. But I think we need to acknowledge what the partners go through as well. Dads and partners also live with the illness and can even experience PND themselves.

I spent most of my time and energy trying to look like a normal, joyful mother while out in public but when my husband walked through the door at night I had nothing left for him. I couldn’t even pretend. He always had me at my absolute worst.

I snapped easily, my mood swings were unpredictable, and usually because Matt was the person in my firing line he copped all of it. And the resentment- oh the resentment!

In the early days I was jealous of his hour commute and lunch breaks (when he actually had time to take them) because at least he got to be alone or speak to adults.

One morning as he was leaving for work, I was feeding our daughter while crying my eyes out. He offered to make me a cup of tea and even though I would have liked one, I said, “No! Just go ahead and leave, just leave us!”

What a horrible thing for him to hear as he was preparing for a stressful day of work. Even writing about that morning makes my eyes misty. The poor guy was simply trying to show me how much he cared.

Dads want to enjoy it too

I’m well aware of my privilege. I have a supportive husband with a great job, I live in a beautiful house and we are comfortable. That’s the thing about PND though, unfortunately, it does not discriminate.

Something I heard at a postnatal depression talk will stick with me forever because I felt like the woman was speaking about me.

“Sometimes the mums who appear to have it all together are the ones who are struggling the most.”

And though this is true, standing next to that mum is a partner who is also struggling.

We are a closer family thanks to The Parent & Baby Wellbeing Program

How can we better support partners of PND sufferers?

Labels: anxiety, Family, health, Identity, motherhood, parenting, Post Natal Depression, Pregnancy

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Going Public About Postnatal Depression

Monday, May 9, 2016

Raising Creative Kids

My daughter likes to make birthday cakes out of bubbles in the bathtub. She sings Happy Birthday and makes me blow out the 'candles.'

Watching my daughter use her imagination amazes me. I didn't teach her how to do it, she just KNOWS.

Essential to development, creativity helps fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination, problem solving, and cognitive thinking.

For these reasons creative pursuits are encouraged early in life but then dismissed later when adults stop hanging up our finger-paintings and start telling us to 'get a real job.'

As a young girl my parents indulged my every creative whim; dance lessons, art, piano, oboe, acting, and more. From these classes I learned self-discipline, patience, and determination. I also learned to deal with critique and failure. I learned how to let things go, how to work around unexpected problems. How to make my intentions look deliberate.

Are these not all skills you need in any CEO?

When I wanted to study Studio Art at University my parents cringed. They encouraged (insisted) that I double major in English too. You know, so I would have something to ‘fall back on.’ I took the compromise and spent extra hours in the studio at night and brought art projects home so I could create between writing Shakespeare papers.

With graduation looming, dinner conversations in our home usually began with “What do you want to do with your life?” and usually ended with me in tears, stomping off to my room so I could take online personality and aptitude tests. I wanted someone to tell me what to be, even if that someone was the internet.

Careers today come with enormous pressure. In my parent’s generation a job was a means to an end, not an identity-entangled manifestation with which to define one’s whole life by.

It goes without saying we want to spare our children pain, failure, criticism, and a living on canned tuna. Now that I’m a mother, I understand why my parents couldn’t see the romance in my becoming a starving artist.

My interest in too many things, love of art and writing lends itself well to a career in blogging- but it wasn't even invented yet when I graduated Uni.

If there is one thing I learned from my experience it’s that I will be conscious of supporting my children in their passions even if I don’t necessarily ‘get it.’

Let me be completely honest with you, if my daughter came home and told me she wanted to become a beauty pageant contestant or Jehovahs Witness I would cringe too (no offence to those who are) because I don't understand it.

After all, I’m not the driving force behind my daughter's journey, I am merely the bumpers in her bowling lanes.

Lavinia’s father is a passionate builder. They adore checking out building sites and building blocks together- there is totally a 50-50 chance she could be an analytical thinker like her Dad. Still, I can’t help my heart from swelling with pride when my daughter asks to ‘paint with Mommy.’

My husband asked me if I think our daughter genuinely shares our interests or if she is simply imitating us. I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I would say it’s a combination of both. We can only introduce her to the things we love, let her be witness to our passions and encourage her in her own discoveries.

No matter what she gravitates toward in her life I’m excited for her to find it....mistakes and all along the way. I'm positive that I will occasionally have to remind myself to stand back and let her to figure it out for herself.

This post originally appeared on the Hello Mamas blog and has been modified.

Labels: Art, Career, Create, Family, parenting

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

4 Craft Ideas For Beginners: Crafting Confidence in Kids

*Sponsored by Spotlight*

Know how kids tend to make things for fun and then destroy them? Think sandcastles or if you grew up in a place like me, snow angels. Making stuff can be just as much fun as wrecking it for no other reason than it rocks our socks.

So why shouldn't adults have a crack at it? Even if our 'castle' ends up in the garbage can.

When we overthink things we tend to take less risks. We stop trying to make stuff. Joy gets dusty along with our creativity. I for one am guilty of worrying too much about the end result. Can we just collectively turn-off our brains and let our hands guide us for a while? Just for this month?

Did you know that April is National Craft Month here in Australia? I was recently invited to a launch party sponsored by Spotlight Craft Stores (American readers, think JoAnn Fabrics or Michaels). The afternoon was full of fabulous demos, creative peeps and plenty of inspiration.

It's April! Like you needed an excuse to get some craft on! Or maybe you do...

Is something holding you back?

I know fear is a big reason many of us 'adults' keep the glue and sparkles close to our chest. Maybe we are afraid of judgement or even our own ability. But seriously guys! We don't want to show our kids this sort of negative thinking do we?

Kids don't sit in front of a blank canvas and say, "Hmm...I'm not sure I'm feeling this today because- pressure," OR "I'm not good enough," OR "Everyone is going to laugh at me." They just grab for the crayons and go nuts. You can too!

How about we make a deal? Try some of these little crafts with your kids and then...maybe take on a project you've always wanted to. So what if it ends up in the rubbish? Do it in the name of joy.

"Whats worth doing even if I fail?" Brene Brown

Here, I'll even hold your hand: Let's get messy. These are just a few little ideas off the top of my head. Google will have a million more should you like some more.

I'm sorry I always want pasta

1. Pom-poms
Have you seen this website? It features apologies with Pom Poms. Think Post Secret but with colourful, fluffy balls instead of post cards and apologies instead of confessions (though sometimes the apologies are confessional too "I'm sorry I cheated on you." Juicy. I met the lovely redhead behind this clever campaign at the National Craft Month launch party. Here is a simple Pom Pom tutorial- try it! Kids can easily get in on the action too...Obviously G rated apologies only in their case! "Sorry I spilled my milk."

2. Photography Series
No fancy equipment required- all you need is a smart phone. There are tons of apps that can send daily photo prompts (with different themes, colours or ideas) to get the creative juices flowing. This article has the top 100 apps- I've personally used the 'Little Moments' by Fat Mum Slim app. This article talks specifically about iPhone photography and this article is a 30 day photography challenge that you can easily follow along with your iPhone or digital camera. Get the kids involved as subjects or photographers!

Only fingers and a fun attitude

3. Finger Painting
No brushes needed! Squish it, smear it, feel it. Just let your hands and digits guide you. It's actually a mental health tool being used by professionals to help adults release repressed emotions. Finger painting is pretty self explanatory but just in case you need a refresher- this article is an 8 step guide to finger painting. Prep is king to avoid a mess when you're getting into the zone. Pro tip: Make sure you get washable (water based) paints if you have real little tykes.

4. Colouring Books
Don't knock em till you try em. I mean, I definitely did. Adult colouring books? Pshaw, whatever! I despise staying within the lines. HOWEVER. I have to say that I 'accidentally' grabbed one my Mother left behind at our house to colour with Lavinia...and I'm not gonna lie- it was kinda relaxing. Colour me surprised!
Bonus: It's a great distraction for the kids on long afternoons when they are begging for TV.

Now get out into your life and make something! If the results aren't Pinterest-worthy at least you'll be crafting confidence in your kiddies. Besides, it's fun.

Don't forget to check out the FREE crafty party happening in all Spotlight Stores on 23 April. Click here for more information. Hope to see you there!

Labels: Art, Create, Family

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Purging The Head, Heart And Home

The big extension we are building on our house seems like a metaphor for my state of mind at the moment.

This dream manifesting in our backyard will more than double our living area. It's so close to being completed that I can almost feel the carefully considered finishes on my fingertips and sense the way we will use the thoughtfully planned spaces.

Since our first meeting with the architect 15 months ago so much has changed. Our daughter has gone from baby to little girl, I've lost family members, started a business, struggled to keep depression at bay, tried to practice gratitude.

I think these last few weeks of the project will transform it the most, from blank canvas to bespoke, as soon as the cabinets, flooring and fixtures are installed.

That is where I am with my own mental health. The foundation is sturdy. The walls have been constructed. I have been working on it, hard, since facing post natal depression when Lavinia was five months old. Now I'm digging deeper and discovering the root causes of my emotional dysfunction. Things that go back to my childhood. It's both excruciating and illuminating...like waiting for something you desperately want. I'm so ready to discover the person I am destined to become.

Everything feels crowded in my head and home, ready to burst into a new space. I keep buying homewares and shoving them into cramped closets reluctant to throw anything away because *soon* there will be more room.

So, maybe creating new room for old junk is not the solution.

I had itchy feet as a young adult and my feelings now are similar to how I felt back when I needed travel to escape myself. I often heard; "Where ever you go, there you are." A true warning indeed yet I believe a new place can allow you to see yourself from a different perspective. Even if it's in your own backyard.

If I've learned anything from running it's that you can't rely on a shift in perspective alone to wipe your slate clean.

It's easy to 'wait' for a big change to make a big change but I think the lesson is: do it now. Hunker down wherever you are and get comfortable in your own skin.

Maybe we need to purge the things we don't need immediately-not-later so we don't drag them along into our future.

A little reminder to myself: Make your baggage a little lighter (literally and metaphorically), Stop counting down the days, Be more patient, Feel where you are in this moment, Declutter the heart and mind now so you can enter your new space with an already gleaming slate.

Labels: Family, healing, Renovation

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Be Awesome But Remember Self Care

Need more of this in my life

I went to my GP yesterday and got a surprising suggestion.

"You need to make more time for yourself."

Who Me? The thing I preach about constantly to my other Mom-friends?

Self care is essential. Your cup needs to be full in order to help others or even just to survive in the parenting world. Why is this so much easier in theory than in practice?

I think for me, it's because my work does not really feel like work anymore. I've started so many projects and they are zapping up every moment of my spare time. Still so much to learn that I don't want to waste one second.

In the past I was gagging to have a break from work and these days I think I'm going to have to start reminding myself to do so. What a huge mental shift.

My new little business is in the construction phase. There is so much more happening behind the scenes (and not enough time) so many more things I want to share (but need to be completed)!

Know how experts say that you can't wait until you 'have more time' to start something because it never actually happens that way? (I swear I read that somewhere and it's true). You know, just that magic time in your life when the calendar clears simultaneously, the chorus of muses sing, motivation is off the chain and your energy set to a constant 'first cup of coffee' level...Obviously this is why those experts say you need to start now...because that will never happen.

Once I made the decision to ignore my fear (as if it were a whining toddler) and follow my passion everything keeps building.

To anyone out there thinking about starting their own thing or even just exploring a new interest I say:

No time like the present!

Where would you be in one year if you started today?

Do it, do it, do it.

Best. Thing. Ever.

(But just remember to take care of yourself along the way)

I want to inspire other people to do this!

The holiday break is almost here. After today Matt will home for almost three weeks. I'm already fantasizing about a Hemmingway-esque writing retreat in the woods...only mine would have to be on the beach...which would mean hardly any writing would get done. Because beach.

Okay Doc. I'll take your suggestion and also self-prescribe a Corona and a good book.

Labels: Career, Family, motherhood

Monday, December 14, 2015

A Post About Nothing

(I wrote this post a few days ago so it’s a touch outdated but I’m just going to give myself a pass. It's December- I think we all have our undies hanging out a little).

Today is Lavinia’s last childcare session of 2015. Then we have like 6 weeks without it (note to self: don't panic).

Last night I packed her lunch and my yoga bag- intent on making the last day count however my beauty sleep was interrupted by some snoring (it's one of his very few faults so what can you do?)

When the alarm went off I snoozed which meant we would be running late. Which meant no yoga. I would have to be productive in other ways.

On the entire drive to daycare I tried to think of things I could do to make the most of my time and in what order (for maximum multi-taskimum). I usually try to do things that I can't do with a kid, or do things that are made infinitely easier unencumbered by diaper bags, car seats and arguments about holding hands in the parking lot.

After stopping back home for coffee and breakfast I caught myself walking in circles. I grabbed the car keys and told myself to get in the car and drive...anywhere (and I did). Only, I felt weird because I realized that there were a million things I wanted to be doing AT HOME. I busted a U turn and went back to the house.

So much for strategy. I wasted precious minutes. And acted crazy.

Turns out, sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop was exactly where I needed to be. And you know what? I gave myself permission to be okay with that. Sometimes you just need to clear out your dang inbox.

Oh! And I also hung a picture frame after watching a video- I used tools and everything! Next thing you know I will be conquering the universe with video instructions I found on Youtube. If you ever need to hang a frame or if you just want to hear a classic Aussie accent this vid is for you!

I donated this one to a fundraiser and needed to make it hangable.

Technically I still multitasked- doing dishes while listening to podcasts counts! And technically this is something I could not do with my daughter hanging around. So what if I broke my rule of no housework during daycare days? I'll give myself another pass (gee, I'm nice).

Have you ever listened to On Being with Krista Tippett? There was this one about how environmental factors (like trauma) can actually modify our genes (kind of like a mutation) and we pass those modified genes down to our children (which can actually make them more resilient). And this one about the evolution of medicine and how we can use food to heal our bodies.

I would have loved a million more hours to patter around doing these little things because I felt productive. My day was the perfect example of how sometimes what feels like nothing, definitely amounts to something.

Labels: Career, Family, Identity

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Stop Telling Me To Have Another Kid!

My daughter was only a few weeks old the first time someone casually asked me when I was going to have another baby. (???!!!) As the years roll on the question comes faster and more furiously.

Look, I get it, sometimes people are just making conversation however when they persist things can get awkward. I've gotten into near arguments with people trying to change my mind about having another one rightthisminute.

Luckily for me I should be physically able to bear a second baby but wouldn't I feel terrible if I couldn't? Why should I have to rehash that every time a well-meaning (opinionated) stranger asks about my family plans?

Here are the most common reasons people give for having two kids in a row (always from people with two or more kids in a row) and why I disagree. Feel free to use these arguments next time you get bombarded.

1. Age Gap

I’d like to have words with the so-called expert who decided there is an ideal age gap between siblings. My brother and I are four years apart and we survived just fine. In fact, I remember HELPING my Mom with him when he was a baby. Once I saved his life when the phone rang and he tumbled into my bath while our Mom went to answer it.

Truth be told, my bro and I weren’t besties growing up but I that had way more to do with personality differences. If we were one year, two years, or five years apart it would have been the same deal. Now I love that dude to pieces and I’m grateful for him. We even have matching tats because we rule.

I hope my daughter knows that sibling bond someday…just not today.

2. Get the hard years over with at once

Come on! Having two babies close in age means double the hard stuff. You can’t fool me.

Look, this comes down to personal preference. I like to space out life’s tough stuff (within my control) with some fluff in between. Some brave folks prefer to put heads down, kiss fun goodbye for a few years, then look up and see if they made it to the other side. May the force be with you.

If it were me- I would never leave the house. The thought of loading baby/diaper-bag/stroller x 2 would be too draining (good thing I don't have twins or triplets!)

"I’ll take tantrums over breastfeeding, a single stroller over a double, grilled cheese sandwiches over veggie purees, potty-training over vomit, and babycinos over bottles. That’s just me. You won’t change my mind."

These days my two-year-old pals around with me like a little legend. She sits still long enough for a coffee date and I can bribe her with frozen yoghurt while I shop the Kmart home goods section. She even digs sitting in shopping carts while I do the dreaded grocery shopping. Oh and did I mention she’s been sleeping 12 hours a night since age 7 months? Yeah I’m bragging. You would too.

3. If you wait too long you won’t want to go back for another

Whats wrong with an only?

Maybe I just lost the desire to do it again. Are you concerned I’ll have regrets? That’s so thoughtful!

The prospect of ‘going back to the newborn days’ at any time sounds daunting (and terrifying) but if people tell you that they didn’t have another baby simply because they ‘waited to long’ I'd be suspicious. I know couples who have gone to the ends of the Earth to have a child. If someone REALLY and TRULY wanted another baby they would do it. Even if it meant their comfy routine would be punctuated with newborn demands.

4. The Mother’s Age

Your eggs are wilting!

Lot’s of Mothers are waiting until their 30’s to have babies because our Mamma’s taught us ‘career first!’ Admittedly there is a bit of biological pressure to crank the kids out close together in this case. I’ve read the stats and they are scary. Yes, our lifetime supply of eggs dwindle and chances of birth defects rise with each passing year.

No denying that it’s statistically it’s easier to get pregnant the younger you are and it’s undeniable you’ll have more energy the earlier you do (but maybe if you’re older you can afford more help).

So with this one I kind of see your point but to each their own (which is my point about this whole business really).

Just so you know- I’m willing to risk it. And I’m talking about waiting like ONE more year, not seven, so calm yourselves people (there…you’ve gotten it out of me, I’ve revealed my plan).

Defence rests.

What about the risk of Post Natal Depression (PND) a second time?

There is no denying that I had it tough emotionally after the birth of my daughter and it took me a long time to feel normal again.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried about battling with post natal depression again but it’s not the only reason I’m putting Rieniets 2.0 on hold.

Call me selfish but in many ways I feel that when my daughter was born so was I. When you only have a tiny fraction of time to yourself as a parent- you try your damnedest to make that time count (once you have the energy to do so).

All I wanted to do was set a good example for my baby girl and in doing so I’ve started following my dreams. I would like one more year to work on those things before I have to scale it all back (which I will happily do for my family). Someday I hope ‘both’ kids will thank me because they will have a contented and fulfilled Momma.

Besides, I’m just not that into two kids in diapers at the same time.

Labels: Family, health, Post Natal Depression, Pregnancy

Monday, November 23, 2015

Five Ways To Improve Your Time Management

Blog Pal, Jess from Peachy Keen Mumma

I went to this rad Bloggers Brunch hosted by Kids Business Communications two Fridays ago. The networking was meaningful, the sponsors relevant and the speakers inspiring- it was such a worthwhile morning and afternoon! I even ended up on the news last night. How cool is that?

Check out the full report here:

I just wanted to share some tips from Kate Christie about time management (she's an expert on the subject who specializes in working with business women age 30-55 who struggle to balance work and family.) This is definitely an area in my life that constantly needs tweaking. Especially now that I officially work from home, for myself. I'm the only one who can take responsibility for my own productivity.

Kate’s Time Management Tips

1. Start using the word no.

How simple and glorious is that? Take this first tip and use it as your permission slip. Stop over-committing. Right now. Stop it.

2. Ask yourself- “Is this the best use of my time?”

No quicker way to snap out of a distraction or social media time suck than to have this one on loop in the back of your mind.

3. Think of time as money.

No really. We’ve all heard this one before but sit down an calculate your hourly rate. Then see tip number two.

4. Family is a team sport.

I like this one because I tend to think of my family as a business (when I’m feeling logical as opposed to romantic which happens only about 1.5% of the time because I'm a sap). Everyone on the team brings different skill sets to the group so why not play the position you know best? Time, attention and money may not be distributed evenly at all times but one person's win is everyone's win. Don't forget to celebrate your victories together (which is why I keep champagne in the fridge always).

5. Have a don’t do it list.

Kate gave the example of going grocery shopping in rush hour traffic. Seems reasonable, right? For myself I would add- don’t look at the phone first thing in the morning. As parents our time is limited so try not to fall into common traps which can end up wasting time.

Thanks Kate, for your deceptively simple words of wisdom.

Labels: Career, Family

Monday, November 16, 2015

I wanted to say something about Paris

The only time I visited The City of Light, I was going on my tenth month of living and working in Europe. I had travelled heaps for work (and for fun) and by that stage I was pretty blasé about the whole thing. I was already itching for something new and exotic like Asia.

The weekend in Paris was a girls trip to visit some of my colleagues who were based there. It was meant to be more of a social catch up rather than sight-seeing.

I took the train in from Amsterdam where I lived at the time. As it sped through Brussels I hardly glanced out the window. Eyes instead on some book I was reading and ears listening to whatever music I was obsessed with at the time-most likely Muse and Death Cab.

My friend Ruby met me at the station so I wouldn’t get robbed by gypsies. We cabbed to her flat and after distributing the chocolate penises I brought from The Dam I started getting ready for a night out.

I was so used to the casual Netherlands that I looked a bit like Pocahontas in my outfit as the girls generously pointed out. Clearly I had not spent enough time in sophisticated Paris. Even so, as we stepped into the night we felt like an international version of Sex and The City laughing and hobbling our way down the Champs Elysees with the Arc Di Triomphe in the background.

And then I saw it. The Eiffel tower all lit up against the navy sky. I swear my heart stopped beating. All the movies, poetry, books, posters, and myths about this structure loomed large in my mind. I felt ‘the thing,’ that feeling you lust for as a traveler. It’s a little bit like the rush of falling in love, the realization of how insignificant we are and the reward for living out of a suitcase.

This is the moment- you can hardly see the tower in the background (or my outfit) but I'm glowing.

This momentous steel structure could look like a radio tower if it did not mean so much to us culturally. All the history, the connotations, the importance we gave to her is real and it’s powerful and you can physically feel it.

I remember being grateful to Paris in that moment. Europe had not completely desensitized me to beauty, to wonder and to history. I could still feel it's magic that was an unexpected surprise.

When Paris was terrorized over the weekend I’m sure it was a target because of that significance. Because of what it means to so many of us. Whom ever planned the attacks, they were ruthlessly targeting a collective soft-spot. A little piece of my heart broke for the city of light and a big piece of my heart broke for the world we live in.

Death, fighting, genocide, and war ravage the middle east every single day. We’ve ignored it for a while and now it’s being shoved in our faces again. We need to do something...but what? It feels so impossible when we individually feel so helpless.

Candles in Notre Dam

Paris is another wake-up call to the Western World that we need to end war and violence- I have no idea how this can be achieved. I just hope it happens before our hearts are so broken that there is nothing left to fight over.

Labels: Family, Travel

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

How to Support Someone Who Lost A Child When You Haven't

I have not lost a child so maybe I have no business writing about it-but hear me out.

Parents who have experienced child loss need support from people who could never begin to comprehend the depth of their loss. The irony is tragic.

So how can we offer better support for something we don't understand? I think one way to do that is to speak about it openly. Child loss and miscarriages happen too-frequently so chances are you know someone going through it.

My greatest fear in life is losing my daughter. I dislike making blanket statements but I know I share this sentiment with all parents. I think that our collective fear is one of a few underlying reasons why the topic of child loss is so taboo.

There are a few common misguided thoughts which surface, almost subconsciously, that may add to our feelings of helplessness and even frustration because we can’t make it better. By acknowledging some of them here along with suggestions on how to help from someone who has lost a child- my hope is that we can all be self aware enough to adjust our thinking and create a safe space for loss-families to share their grief.

Parents spend energy worrying about child safety every single day.

Did you cut those grapes in half? Are the power outlets baby-proofed? Are we too close to the street? Is the air safe to breathe? Some of this stuff is within our control but most of it is not- especially when it comes to illness or SIDS. When a couple loses a child they become the physical manifestation of our greatest fear. Facing this reality can be beyond difficult. We may not mean to- but if we behave awkwardly it can make the bereaved parent feel even worse.

We think about the length of a child’s life. We don’t know which is harder- losing one so young, or losing one we’ve come to know so well. Irrelevant. It does not matter if a child has lived ten years, ten minutes or even if a baby has not had the chance to breathe outside it's womb- he or she needs to be acknowledged and grieved. Even an unborn baby will touch the lives of it's parents, grandparents, family and friends. The death of a child at any age means the death of a future.

We feel awkward and we don't know what to say.

A very close friend of mine had a son who only lived for four days in the hospital. I remember writing to her telling her that someday she would have another chance at having a family- a variation of the old; “Don’t worry you’ll have another one,” comment. Looking back this was an dumb thing to say. Why? Because in that moment I should have realized one child cannot possibly replace the other. I know that now that I’m a Mom.

I hope we all know that saying, “Don’t worry you can have another one,” is inappropriate on many levels because you don’t really know that for sure- especially if there are fertility issues involved. The parents did not plan on losing their baby and may not have a back up plan.

Note: (My gracious friend never once implied she was offended, it’s only my own hindsight which makes me wish I worded things differently.)

In her grief my friend took to the Internet. She wrote about her experience, of how losing her son changed her life forever. She inadvertently educated those in her life about the emotional roller coaster of losing a son, trying for another, and the scary health complications faced as a result. She wrote about how having her second boy was not a band-aid but actually caused fresh pain. She told us how she yearns to be acknowledged as a mother of two and for her first son to be remembered. She speaks about the struggle to find ways to parent a deceased child when there is no forthcoming advice for that.

It seems like many people didn’t know what to say after her son died so they said nothing at all- which crushed her already broken heart over and over again.

We need to start listening, really listening, to people who have lost their children. It’s up to us- the ones who do not share that cavernous loss- to make sure we don’t add to the pain with our reaction, inaction or indecision.

Inspired by my friend’s bravery, honesty and strength I wanted to pass along what she has shown me. I asked her “How can we better support someone who has lost a child?”

Here are some of the answers she gave:

Stay.

Please stick around. This is the most important one! When close friends and family avoid you because they don’t know how to help- this means to secondary losses for the mother. The loss of a child is more than any person can bare so don’t disappear.

Ask.

All Mother’s and Father’s grieve differently. You would think there are common sense do’s and don’ts but there are not. The best thing you can do for your loved one is ask what they need. Some may need to talk about it and some may need the opposite. If you don’t know what to say and your words are falling you- just say that. Many times they won’t know what to say either but being honest opens the door to allow the parent to speak up if they can.

Talk.

When you lose a child, you feel like you are thrown into this club you never signed up for. There are new terms and sensitive ways of speaking about things- for example the term ‘loss Mom,’ or ‘rainbow baby.’ As the bereaved parents navigate through this new speech and communication they must also educate those around them which can be difficult. Just try and listen, and be respectful.

Check in.

Being around babies can be tricky for a loss-parent. Holding someone else’s baby too soon or hearing giggles and cries may trigger post traumatic stress. It does not mean that they don’t love you or your children, they just miss their own. A good way to talk to a friend about this is to say, “I know being around other children may be difficult for you right now but I’ll check back in with you about this later.”

Expect Change.

If you lose a child you will never be the same again. You will have to find a ‘new normal’ no amount of therapy will help you get back to your ‘old self’ again. Remember that everyone grieves in a unique way so pushing someone to ‘get professional help’ or ‘move on,’ will not expedite the process, in fact it may do the opposite.

Be Patient.

In the end the best way to show your love and support is to hang in there. Check in with your friend. Wait for them to be ready to communicate with your and share their needs but please remember to reach out often- don’t put the onus on the parents to contact you if they need something.

Much of this advice is common sense if think about it but I believe the problem is we chose not to think about it. Case in point- I've wanted to write about this topic for many months now but I've been putting it off because it makes me sad, which in turn makes me feel like a bit of a coward.

I can only hope that these words can help some of us learn to be better friends to people with broken hearts.

What to say to the grieving.

What not to say- the basics.

On remembering and empathy.

7 common mistakes people make when a friend’s child dies.

How to be there for a bereaved parent- a helpful pamphlet.

Labels: Family, healing, Loss, parenting

Thursday, September 3, 2015

14 of the Cutest Ways to Announce Pregnancy or Gender

I have been mentally collecting some of the cute pregnancy/ gender/ new sibling announcements that I've seen lately and I wanted to share my favorites with you.

Note: I've specifically selected ones that don't look like they require a team of stylists- which means they could be re-created with ease!

The one of the things I learned with my first pregnancy, along with what 'Babymoon' means, is that new parents are pressured to come up with cute, clever and unique ways to announce the pregnancy on social media.

To tell you the truth I was kindofalittlebit excited about it. Because I’m an expat I share a lot, A LOT, on social media- it keeps me connected to my friends and family in America (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). #lovesocialmedia #overshare

In the early weeks, once I told everyone I wanted to tell in person via Skype or email, I was ready to blast the message out to my wider Facebook community. I wanted to do it in a way that didn't feel forced or cheesy.

After scouring Pinterest for ideas on how to tell the world I was ‘up the duff’ (as they affectionately say here in Australia) I couldn't find exactly the right image. A few of the examples made me tear up (hormones!) and others were way too complicated and time consuming for my tired, newly-peggi butt.

When I was enjoying some alone time at our local pool inspiration struck and this was the photo I shared on my timeline:

Wow, my nails AND toes are done and legs shaved....I was not yet a Mother.

Simple, honest and not too staged. Happy I was with all the kind messages and congratulations. <3

I’m kiiiiiiind of a control freak so I needed to know the gender of my baby. Keeping that a surprise was never even an option for me. When I found out I was having a girl (the best moment of my life to that point) I was even more siked to share the good news. As you will see in my list below, I really dig the shoe pics, so naturally I went with...you guessed it...a shoe pic.